The game of turning black to white

Things were getting better. I'm making proper money at my job again. I have a substantial loan with which to buy a goddamn car after 4 years (?) without one. James & I are locked into an extra month here @ Ridgefield, giving both of us more time to figure out our living situations & pack. I met Chuck Palahniuk & saw a very sweet, intimate 'acoustic' Patrick Wolf show, both in the same day no less! My tax refund checks came in, padding out my otherwise anorexic bank account. And I've got tickets to 3 awesome shows in the next month. Yeah, things were really on an upward swing.

And then my grandmother was diagnosed with brain cancer. Fast moving, inoperable, terminal brain cancer.

It's so surreal. I keep telling people about it, keep talking about it, hoping that will make it make sense. Make this incomprehensible reality more tangible. It is just so goddamn wrong in my mind. Too sudden. A month ago she was functioning fine. Now she's numb on the left side of her body, bedridden & small looking. I was told in an MRI she had 3 months ago there was no sign of cancer, and now there's a lump the size of a golfball in her right frontal lobe. Jesus fucking Christ. My dad's a wreck; my mom is holding up OK but it's obvious she's reliving her father's downturn & death two years ago. My brother is completely distant & removed, I hope for his sake it's because he's going through the same disbelief that I am & not because he really doesn't care.

This is all just too much.

I just want to feel love the way love felt a year ago. Not this scary chest pain faint breathing tiptoe pain thing. Something light and pretty and entirely too tangible.

Oh what a way to live. What a goddamn world.

 2008 records to listen to:

"Music for an Accelerated Culture", Hadouken!
"You Have No Idea What You're Getting Yourself Into", Does it Offend You, Yeah?
"Box of Secrets", Blood Red Shoes
"Consolers of the Lonely", The Raconteurs

and....

Nothing else. All of the super-hyped records are shite (I'm looking at you, Vampire Weekend and She & Him, goddamn mediocre fuckers) and most of what I've been anticipating (NIN and H!, DIOYY? to a lesser degree) hasn't been as good as it should have been. Let's hope the second half of the year is fucking stellar; Patrick Wolf is working on something, Ghost Frequency is still a possibility, so there's potential.

Oh yeah. James & I are moving into our sweet apartment in less than two weeks. 
Scary? 
Kinda. 
Exciting? 
Very. 
Happy? 
Unbelievably.

Fuck you LiveJournal, and fuck your journal editing bullshit. I want my old formatting back.

I don't even know what to say or think or do anymore.

Hello LJ, I've been neglecting you lately, haven't I? I can't say that I'm sorry though, the reasons I've more or less abandoned you are more or less excellent. I've been busy with real life, doing real life things, well away from the internet or this laptop which will most likely die on me before I post this entry, so what's the point, really? I don't know. Oh well.

I work a lot now, they've finally bumped up my hours & pay so that I'm making nearly a liveable wage. Come August I should be at least officially full time, if not perhaps cafe supervisor. So huzzah for that. And on a similar note, fuck Harry Potter and fuck anyone who showed up at Borders for the midnight shindig we had. You're all a bunch of fucking losers.

New boyfriend is excellent and occupies most of my non-work & non-sleep time. I honestly didn't know how things would pan out with us in the beginning but after the last few weeks it's become pretty clear that we're a proper match. It's wonderfully refreshing to be seeing someone who not only shares my interests, but also has good communication skills, a realistic outlook on/plan for life, and knows how to properly reciprocate affection and respect.

Wednesday is the White Stripes, what should be the highlight of my summer. I'm not too excited, it's odd but I guess it's because some parts of the new record didn't do anything good for me. Kind of a let down, oh well oh well oh well. But with biffle coming along with me it should be a good time.

Oh yeah, and yesterday I got my degree from Fredonia in the mail. I've officially graduated. The collegiate world can suck my proverbial cock, at least for the next few months until I go somewhere for my BFA/MFA in printmaking & book arts. Woo.

So much more to say but there's work in the morrow, laptop dying now, sleep is soon but finishing up my zombie massacres in RE4 is the immediate future.

So who was right? I was right.
Who's single now? I'm single now.
Who's crying over it? Not me.

I saw this coming before I even graduated. Pretty much everything has happened the way I expected, the only thing that surprised me is the fact that when you backed out of all those sweet empty promises you made you didn't even have the balls to do it to my face. That's about the only thing that's changed between now and when you were fifteen; at least then you had a bit of a fucking spine.
 Wanna know why I cried the other night? You don't and I know it, but I want to say it because now I've figured out how to articulate it. It was because at that particular moment it finally dawned on me that I was dumping all of my energy into an incredibly one-sided relationship when what I should be doing is culling dead weight like you and looking out for myself. There's been no reciprocation from you for some time now, for the last few months you've just sat there and absorbed everything I gave like a greedy fucking sponge. So enjoy your loneliness, your shitty job, your meager wages, your inevitable metamorphosis into trailer trash, and not doing anything that is actually challenging because you're too afraid to try. I'm going to enjoy being free to pursue life as myself instead of as a tag-along to your descent into mediocrity and eventual failure.

Hey look, Poughkeepsie has officially been immortalized in its own shitty horror movie: http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/film/1627

In other news, funerals fucking suck, my house is exactly the same as ever, the weather is crazy, my fish have a pretty new home, the new NIN album is good (stfu naysayers), I never ever want to live in NYC, and people still take the internet too goddamn seriously. Ta!

This week is almost over. A little depressing because that means it's almost time for me to ship myself back west, but this is the last time I'm going back there so in a way I'm almost looking forward to it. The faster I get this semester behind me, the faster I can start my real life. Speaking of real life, I've decided begin laying the groundwork for that now. The first step was shedding whatever dead weight I've had holding me down. It's going to be a bit of a lengthy process but I started today and I have to say, I feel lighter already.

It was just time for a new journal.
The old one just didn't feel right anymore.